I’m a chicken

27 Sep

This blog post is pretty personal. I originally wrote it a couple of months ago…

I’m a scaredy cat.

Even though I’m the sort of person who can readily hop on a plane and travel the world without so much as a few pages copied from a guidebook (and sometimes not even that much), I’m just, deep, down at heart, a chicken. If something seems too daunting, I don’t dive into it – I avoid it.

So, I probably would’ve known about this whole thing earlier. All the signs were there. I had a feeling inside of me that there was something going on that was unusual, but instead of being proactive, I put things off, hoping against all hope that whatever my intuition was telling me was misguided.

I should’ve known better – my intuition is always right…

I notice the first signs while I’m teaching. Extreme tiredness and grumpiness. Nothing out of the ordinary for me, since my PMS symptoms are usually really strong. I debate whether or not to go back on the pill because this one time I feel so bad, I think I’ll scream and I don’t want to have to deal with this right before the wedding. Between working and moving, my schedule has been thrown completely off and all I want is for my cycle to end.

I wait…
and I wait….

This is strange for me – unless I’m stressed (which I am, though), I’m like a clock. I know the moving, wedding planning, and working is getting to me, but this much?

Something inside of me tells me that things in my body are different. For a week I wake up in the middle of the night, heart beating wildly, unable to sleep. It feels like there is an unknown entity taking over my body – visions of horror movies unleashing their vise-like hold on my psyche.

What if, I ask Doug the day after one of these episodes, I’m…well…you know…pregnant?

It wouldn’t be the end of the world, he says. It might be in God’s plan for us.

The thought lingers in my mind for a good week. I keep pushing it away because I did have some mild cramps and some bleeding. I am just about ready to go to get my pill prescription refilled when I decide to go ahead and take a test just in case.

It reminds me of being a teenager all over again.

Walking in the drugstore the same nervousness grips me like when I was 17 and considering sleeping with my boyfriend. Back then I knew that I wasn’t really ready (and, we ultimately didn’t because of my then strong religious beliefs and the fact that I didn’t love him), but at the time I thought it would be wise to have some protection on hand just in case.

As I walked down the aisle those 20-odd years ago, I remember being totally overwhelmed at whatever lay ahead of me. As fate would have it, I ran into a high school friend, chickened out and bought something simple like gum instead.

This day in the drugstore seems no different, except I muster up my courage and go through with the purchase. I throw the box in the back of the car and head over to one of my favorite cafes to write.

When I get home, I look at the box, fear once again rearing its head. Hands shaking, not certain if I can go through with this.

But of course after a few deep breaths I do. It feels like the first time I went scuba-diving in Hawaii where I had to end my dive early because I started hyperventilating. I am confined within the 16 square foot space of my bathroom, the pressure inside of me reminiscent of the weight of the water on that particular dive, pushing me down, closing me in. I’m unable to do much but wait.

The box says to wait 5 minutes, but the answer appears almost immediately. First one blue line in the left window and then a minute later another line in the right.

There’s got to be some sort of mistake, I think to myself. This can’t be real. Maybe the test is wrong. (Being the thrifty person that I am, I had gotten the generic brand, after all).

But it is there, clear as day. I am pregnant.

Even though this is something I’ve always wanted, I’m not ready. I’m terrified and start sobbing uncontrollably.

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10 Responses to “I’m a chicken”

  1. Em September 27, 2007 at 7:07 pm #

    Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear you are so scared. I’m not going to bombard you with the usual platitudes; I’ll just say that I really do believe things will be ok, no matter how you choose to proceed from here. Thank you for sharing you feelings here. *hugs*

  2. knittyk8 September 27, 2007 at 8:18 pm #

    I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. It drives me crazy when people tell me that things will be ok when I’m scared, so I won’t tell you that. But hang in there, sending hugs.

  3. Kelly September 27, 2007 at 10:03 pm #

    Oh, wow! That’s just so… huge! Wonderful and beautiful and enormously big and dear lord of course you’re terrified! What other response could be rational?! My hugs and good energies and lit candles and broken wishbones and whatever else you think might be of service are at your disposal.

  4. ingrid September 28, 2007 at 1:21 am #

    I don’t think anyone gets that kind of news and isn’t scared! I also believe that in some respects, noone is truly ready when it happens. But in any case, I can’t help but think it’s an amazing blessing and I send you all my best wishes.

  5. teresa September 28, 2007 at 7:35 pm #

    Wow, I’d be terrified too! I hope you’re feeling better now – take care!

  6. Christina-chan September 29, 2007 at 2:54 pm #

    I am sooo happy for you!!! Just think of your little niece, Naomichan!! Sweet Naomi sometimes a destructor LOL! You will be holding your little bundle of joy soon!! I know it’s scarry! No one is truly ready for it even though some plan for years for it! It takes a while to realize a little you is coming and when he/she does, you are still in shock! But after a while it wears off! I freaked out too, you know what I went through! but adjusting to your new life, your little sweet baby will sneak into your life and things will feel like so natural and normal you wonder what you were scared about! I can’t imagine life without my little Naomi, I love her to pieces. I kiss and hug her so much she tries to run away from me now squeeling but smiling! CONGRADULATIONS!!!!! Lots of Love to ya both!!!! CHEERS AND MANY TOASTS!!! TO A HEALTHY AND HAPPY BABY!!!!!

  7. myhobbyisyarn September 30, 2007 at 6:12 am #

    I had the same reaction when I found out I was pregnant–both times. I knew I was pregnant, and I wanted to be, but maybe I didn’t. It’s really a huge change. How are you feeling now–since you originally wrote this a couple months ago? and…Congratulations!

  8. Nora October 2, 2007 at 8:41 pm #

    Wow, I can relate. I felt the same way about when I found out with my first. I was not prepared at all and didn’t think we were headed down the parent trap. I do mean it when I say I wouldn’t change it either. (That is after a serious meltdown today from the 2 year old.)

  9. Laurie January 4, 2008 at 4:12 pm #

    I don’t think anyone is ever ready for that news. My hubby and I faced infertility for 5+ years and went through round after round of drugs and testing – no one on earth was more “ready” to have a baby than I was. But the same feelings of panic and dread and “oh my gosh, what have we done??” set in as soon as I found out the news. Years later, I can tell you that those feelings don’t even go away after you’ve had one…or two…or three. 😉

    I’ve loved reading your blog today! Mom mentioned you sent her the link and I asked her to forward it on to me. I haven’t had time to crochet since I was last pregnant but with my current back injury, I just might dig out some of my millions of skeins and start a new project…you’ve quite inspired me.🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Blogiversary… A few of my favorite posts… « All In A Day’s…. - February 17, 2009

    […] I’m a chicken (in which I talk about finding out I’m pregnant) […]

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